Until I Die
by NotSoNormalLady
Summary: Basically Hiro's reaction after the fire. Lots of angst! I revised this from first person to third person. This does have mentions of a HIDASHI relationship!


The only thing Hiro can register is the dull sound of someone screaming, bright light, and the smell of smoke. That is, until his throat constricts and begins to burn. Hiro slowly recognizes that the agonizing screams are coming from him. His body shakes against his will as he breaks down in disbelief. Mind replaying the scene of his brother's cap falling off as he runs into the burning building over and over. Hiro's brain fails to notice their friends gathering around as he falls back onto the ground. Everything is numb as all Hiro is able to see is an orange yellow hue, and then.. nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Hiro is not sure how long it's been, or how he got there, but he's in bed. His eyes burn as if chlorine has been poured into them. Hiro wipes at his eyes to find them wet. Running his hands over his face, he realizes it's soaked with tears. The young genius' mind races trying to remember what happened.

"I had the presentation for school… we went there. I got accepted into college and Tadashi…"

"Tadashi!" Hiro yells springing from bed. The sound of his voice is strange as it's raggedly hoarse and sounds like gravel. Frantically, Hiro looks around their shared room. Tadashi is nowhere in sight, but the bathroom door is closed. "Dashi?!" The younger brother calls banging on the door. The door doesn't open so Hiro hurriedly opens it to find it empty.

Hearing loud footsteps upon the stairs Hiro turns expectantly towards the door. Aunt Cass rushes in with a look of mournful sorrow etched onto her face. Hiro stops moving, frozen rigid as she wraps the younger Hamada into a crushing hug.

"Tadashi..?" is the only fearful word Hiro can muster, heart ramming against his small ribcage as he begins to feel sick.

Aunt Cass gently pushes the small frame away by the shoulders. Her lower lip trembles as tears glisten her eyes. With a breath to steady herself, she begins.

"Hiro, Tadashi… T- He couldn't make it ou-," She stuttered unable to finish as the younger could no longer take it. He couldn't hear it.

"No!" Hiro shouted, clenching his eyes closed and backing away from her. Chest feeling heavy, body aching, and misery mixed with sadness overwhelmed his senses. It's the worst pain Hiro has felt in his young life. It's most likely the worse pain he will ever feel in his life.

Aunt Cass took one step, reaching her hand out to him trying to comfort his pain; fill him with reason. "Hiro."

Hiro's whole being felt like it would explode. Disbelief filled him as his mind and heart refused to believe that his brother was gone. The older brother couldn't be gone; can't be gone! Anger hit him, and it hit the young genius with a bitter twist of guilt.

"He can't be! He's not! Tadashi has to still be out there!" He screams at her. Hiro knew she didn't deserve it, but the young Hamada is just so angry.

"They found his bo-," Aunt Cass tried.

Hiro shook his head furious. "It's not him! Tadashi is still alive! He wouldn't leave me. He promised!" It's too much for him, he can't accept it. Not this. Anything but this.

Hiro's voice cracked miserably as he ran from the room. He could hear his name being called, but didn't bother to look back. He furiously pushed passed Wasabi and GoGo through the front door of the café, running as fast as his legs would allow him.

"Tadashi couldn't be gone, he just can't be. He made a promise to me that we would always be there for each other. Together forever. Always, no matter what happened. Tadashi was the only one who understood me. All I need is Tadashi. I can live without everyone else and be fine as long as I have him. Tadashi is the one who smiles and says everything will be okay, he makes everything okay. He's the only one who understands me…. My first and only love. This can't be happening."

Hiro ran so hard he felt his legs would break, but he kept pushing until finally reaching the now crumbled building the fire had practically blown apart. People who looked like workers for clean-up stood scattered around the building. Against their protests, the younger Hamada brother went into the almost demolished building unsure where to go or what he'd find. His mind and body began to move on its own as he took in the surroundings.

"I just need some sort of proof; evidence that my brother was in here when the explosion happened. Maybe he escaped through a back door. Maybe he was safe but trapped somewhere. Maybe.."

That's when everything came crashing down. Panic flooded his small body and he fell to the ground crawling towards it. There, against the half obliterated wall, laid a light green shoe. It's stained with blood and burn marks. Hiro reached his shaking hand out to grab it, trembling and unable to hold back a broken whimper. Tears that had been threatening to fall fell once again. Hiro brought the shoe to his chest, heaving painful sobs. One mournful heartbroken thought tore through his being.

"This is his shoe. This is Tadashi's."

The world is a blank blur after that. A candle light vigil was held in the older brother's honor. Many people tried to offer their condolences. It barely registered to the younger Hamada over the grief and pain. Brokenness filled the far reaches of Hiro's soul. "I have nothing now. Without Tadashi there is nothing for me to look forward to. No matter what I do or accomplish it will never be complete."

Hiro heaved another heavy sob whispering to himself and hitting himself, furious.

"Life will always be empty now. Why? Because of me! If I had never built those stupid megabots or gone to the demonstration, this wouldn't have happened. I killed Tadashi. The one person in the world that I truly loved and have that love returned. He died at the sake of me being in school with him. True, my brother encouraged me to do it, but I didn't have to. I didn't have to selfishly want to share his lab to have more time with him. I didn't realize before I visited that he really did have his own private lab. We could have worked on so many projects together; spent so much time together."

Hiro then threw himself onto the bathroom floor as more thoughts consumed him.

'Maybe if I had never confessed how I felt toward him or allowed him to love me like he had in return, this wouldn't have happened. What if we hadn't started loving each other more than what was considered a 'normal' brother's love? Maybe this is the 'hell' that was said to result from such a thing. Maybe this is the payment that's due from this kind of love.' Hiro couldn't stop the bitterness that crept its way in.

A numbing three days passed as Hiro stayed in their room with no hunger, no energy. Nothing but guilt, pain, anger and sorrow. The world lacked any color it once had. Three times a day, Aunt Cass tried to talk to the young genius along with others. Hiro had no words he could speak. What was there to say? "Hi, yea, I'm fine. Just lost and utterly broken." No thanks.

The morning of the funeral finally arrived. The sky was dark and gloomy with overcast. Heavy rain poured from the sky. It was as if the Earth had chosen today to mourn the loss of the older Hamada brother as well. There weren't a lot of people present. Just some close friends and family. Hiro stood staring at the black casket his beloved older brother lied in. They couldn't have an open casket. Too much damage was done to Tadashi's body from the explosion.

The preacher droned on saying his speech and prayers. Hiro couldn't hear his words. Feeling had yet to return to his young body, along with the ability to really register other people. His mind ran through the memories of his older brother. Tadashi's smile, the sincerity of his eyes, his warmth, his touch. The way the sound of his breathing and heartbeat could put the younger to sleep. How the older brother managed to make everything so alive and wonderful just by being around. Tadashi's promise. Tears swell into Hiro's eyes and he tries to hide the tremor in his breath. The pain pounded into his chest, and he almost heaved over from the blows.

Feeling a nudge from his side he looked up to see Aunt Cass. She tearfully looked at the casket and back at him. It didn't register to the young Hamada that the preacher was done for a long moment. It was time to place flowers on the casket. Since the younger brother was the closest to him he was supposed to go first. Hiro couldn't do it. Not like this. The younger Hamada shook his head to her and backed up a few steps looking down. Aunt Cass didn't want to bring everyone's focus on him so she walked forward to place her flower. A steady stream of people followed as Hiro could only stare down at his feet standing fully in the rain. The cold rain water was barely noticeable, anyways.

"Numb… I feel numb."

After what seemed like forever, Aunt Cass walks back over to her youngest nephew, hovering her umbrella over to shield him from the rain. She places a hand on his shoulder and gives a comforting squeeze.

"Hiro, sweetie, everyone has laid their flowers and left. Everyone is going to be at our house soon. Don't you want to-."

"I want to be alone." Hiro interrupts her and she flinches. It's the first the younger brother had spoken in three days. "I need to say goodbye. I - WE - need this time together." He says quietly.

"I'm sorry for interrupting, but I can take him after he's done." Honey Lemon suggests softly from behind them.

Hiro doesn't look back as Aunt Cass walks over to her to talk for a moment. She returns to hug and kiss her young nephew's head. "I love you," she says before walking away.

Hiro doesn't look up or respond; just keeps his head down. Honey Lemon stands a few steps behind him.

"I'm going to be in the car, Hiro, so you can have some privacy." Honey Lemon's voice is gentle and understanding. It's the kind of gentle that makes the heart pang when you're hurting, and know that someone is just trying to prevent you from breaking down. The kind of pain that you feel because you are in pain, and it's causing other people to be in pain or in more pain than they already are.

Hearing the distant sound of a car door closing, Hiro finally looks up, and heaves out the breath he didn't know he was holding. All at once, everything hits him with the brute force that can no longer be held back. His heart pounds and he can barely breathe. Hiro's body feels cold and weak. It aches everywhere. Trembling, he takes shaky steps to his brother's casket, pausing one step away.

"You said you wouldn't leave!" Hiro sobs out in a yell. He's angry, but not at Tadashi. Hiro is angry with himself. "I wanted to always be with you," he whispers. It's hard to breathe again as he is panting and shaking. Hiro's whole body jerks, unable to hold the emotions in. Tears openly roll down his face as he cries once again. "Why did you have to go in there?" The younger brother balls his fists. "You're such an idiot sometimes."

For a long while Hiro couldn't speak because of the sobs that wrecked through his petite body. By the time he was calm enough, he could hardly speak from his voice being so hoarse. Hiro brings the red rose he had been holding this whole time up to his nose and smells it.

"I know Mom's rose bush was your favorite. You would always say "It has a unique smell because it's sweeter than most. And it smells just like Mom used to.'" Hiro's lips tremble at the bitter sweet memory.

"I'll never be able to truly say goodbye. You know that, don't you? For me, it has and always will be you." Hiro's eyes sting from all the tears. "I love you Dashi. Forever. I promise."

Tear streaks stain his face as trembling hands bring the rose closer to his face. Hiro presses the soft petals to his cheek before giving them a tender kiss. The heartbroken brother stumbles slightly on the last step to place the rose on the dark casket, where Hiro can only assume is over his older brother's heart. The smoothness of his brother's casket etches itself into memory. Hiro falls into the casket breathing in harsh gasps.

"This pain, this loss, this emptiness, it will never go away. Even if it slightly fades, it'll still remain. Waiting, hurting, and never full….. Until the day I die."


End file.
